About Author : Jack Handey is an American humorist. He is best known for his Deep Thoughts, a large body of surrealistic one-liner jokes, as well as his “Fuzzy Memories” and “My Big Thick Novel” shorts. Although many people assume otherwise, Handey is a real person, not a pen name or a character
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear but also at important business meetings.
To me it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way if anybody says ‘Hey can you give me a hand’ you can say ‘Sorry got these sacks.’
If I ever get real rich I hope I’m not real mean to poor people like I am now.
Whenever you read a good book it’s like the author is right there in the room talking to you which is why I don’t like to read good books.
I believe in making the world safe for our children but not our children’s children because I don’t think children should be having sex.
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain because later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.
You know one thing that will really make a woman mad Just run up and kick her in the butt. P.S. This also works with men.
I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint because he had whittled off the paint.
You know something that would really make me applaud A guy gets stuck in quicksand then sinks then suddenly comes shooting out riding on water skis How do they do that.
Instead of a trap door what about a trap window The guy looks out it and if he leans too far he falls out. Wait. I guess that’s like a regular window.
Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good lucky feeling.
Here’s a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don’t know anybody First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have like a crumpled-up napkin and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol How about the pillow It has more feathers than the dove and it doesn’t have that dangerous beak.
Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn’t know and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.
Even though he was an enemy of mine I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First he punched me then he kicked me then he punched me again.
If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands don’t let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it every day for about three hours a day. Later he’ll thank you.
If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime I hope it’s some type of parasite because this is the part where I take it EASY.
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go ‘What was THAT’.
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights even if you don’t know what your rights are or who the person is you’re talking to. Then on the way out slam the door.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone’s neck and the guy screams and tries to get it off I have to laugh because what IS that thing.
When you go ice-skating try not to swing your arms too much because that really annoys me.
If you’re a cowboy and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
If I ever do a book on the Amazon I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject in a way that will tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep and while you’re in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city boy I don’t know what to tell you.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby Maybe we’ll never know.
I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.
If you’re in a boxing match try not to let the other guy’s glove touch your lips because you don’t know where that glove has been.
I hope that after I die people will say of me ‘That guy sure owed me a lot of money.’
If God dwells inside us like some people say I sure hope He likes enchiladas because that’s what He’s getting.
If your friend is already dead and being eaten by vultures I think it’s okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you’re serious about adopting the vulture.
If I ever opened a trampoline store I don’t think I’d call it Trampo-Land because you might think it was a store for tramps which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand we would not prohibit tramps from browsing or testing the trampolines unless a tramp’s gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
If you’re an archaeologist I bet it’s real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments but then it turns out it’s not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.
To me clowns aren’t funny. In fact they’re kinda scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
Instead of a Seeing Eye dog what about a gun It’s cheaper than a dog plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way. Cars too.
I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards yelling and spinning around.
Whenever I need to get away” I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect. The only bad thing there are the flies. They’re terrible.
Whenever someone asks me to define love I usually think for a minute then I spin around and pin the guy’s arm behind his back. NOW who’s asking the questions.
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days when there was a bad storm outside you’d look out your little window and think Boy I’m glad I’m not out in THAT.”
Marta likes to talk about sensuality but I don’t think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass.
I can picture in my mind a world without war a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they’d never expect it.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you’re drinking a beer I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he’s so busy you’d probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.
Instead of burning a guy at the stake what about burning him at the STILTS It probably lasts longer plus it moves around.
If you’re a boxing referee it’s probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors.
I guess I kinda lost control because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No I didn’t. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed as when someone kills someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is generosity as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
There are many stages to a man’s life. In the first stage he is young and eager like a beaver. In the second stage he wants to build things like dams and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage he feels trapped and then ’skinned.” I’m not sure what the fourth stage is.
When I was a child there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars here’s a tip Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar for freshness.
I wish I had a kryptonite cross because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
Can’t the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they’ve caused.
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. ‘That was fun’ I said. ‘You bet it was’ said Nick. ‘Let’s climb higher.’ ‘No’ I said. ‘I think we should be heading back now.’ ‘We have time’ Nick insisted. I said we didn’t and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about minutes then finally decided to head back. I didn’t say it was an interesting story.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus’s-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite but it won’t bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
After I die wherever my spirit goes I’m going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a year because ‘Hey old buddy how’s it going’.
When the age of the Vikings came to a close they must have sensed it. Probably they gathered together one evening slapped each other on the back and said ‘Hey good job.’
I think a new different kind of bowling should be ‘carpet bowling.’ It’s just like regular bowling only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don’t know why we should do this but my God we’ve got to try something.
A man doesn’t automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there rocking back and forth wanting that money.
I’d like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake and then maybe he’s flying along low to the ground and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that’s a documentary.
The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did all the other cues came crashing to the floor. ‘Sorry’ he said with a smile.
I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns regular sun and ‘rogue’ sun. That way when somebody asked me what time it was I’d say ‘Regular time’ And they’d say ‘Yeah.’ And I’d say ‘Sorry all I have is rogue time.’ It’d be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy.
I don’t pretend to have all the answers. I don’t pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey where am I
If I was the head of a country that lost a war and I had to sign a peace treaty just as I was signing I’d glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. ‘Wait a minute I thought WE won’
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful beautiful flamingo flying across in front of a beautiful sunset And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also you’re drunk.
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself. For instance let’s say you have chosen the nickname ‘Fly Head’. Normally you would think that ‘Fly Head’ would mean a person who had beautiful swept-back features as if flying though the air. But think again. Couldn’t it also mean ‘having a head like a fly’ I’m afraid some people might actually think that.
Whether they ever find life there or not I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength I hate to tell you this but that’s another weakness.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower just go real limp because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because hey free dummy.
One thing about my Aunt Nadie She was gruff on the outside but if you ever needed something like a spanking or a scolding she’d give it to you.
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our ‘friend.’
Instead of putting a quarter under a kid’s pillow how about a pinecone That way he learns that ‘wishing’ isn’t going to save our national forests.
If you go parachuting and your parachute doesn’t open and your friends are all watching you fall I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
It’s interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees like apes until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains where some were probably hit by cars.
I remember one day I was at Grandpa’s farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said ‘Maybe instead of telling you what sex is why don’t we go out to the horse pasture and I’ll show you.’ So we did and there on the ground were my parents having sex.
If you ever feel like you’re on the verge of a nervous breakdown just follow these simple rules First calm down second come over and wash my car third shine all my shoes. There isn’t that better.
You know what would make a good story Something about a clown who makes people happy but inside he’s real sad. Also he has severe diarrhea.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.
It’s probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you’re talking to the president because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.
Too bad there’s not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk because you’d probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one.
The old-timers around here still shake their heads and chuckle about that city slicker who came through trying to peddle ‘hair restorer.’ He took everyone’s money in a poker game so when he tried to sell the bottles of hair restorer nobody had any money left to buy it.
You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don’t even care do you.
Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing.
When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better Monet or Manet I said ‘I like mayonnaise.’ She just stared at me so I said it again louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.
Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it up but that cable just keeps right on going clear across a field until you come to a bunch of guys who are burying the cable. Then just walk up to them and go ‘Hey have you seen Fred’ And they’ll say ‘Fred who’ And you say ‘Fred of snakes’ Then cover your ears because big laughs are coming.
I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt on thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be ‘Be sure before I start you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body because I am NOT unwrapping him later.’
The face of a child can say it all especially the mouth part of the face.
If you wear a toupee why not let your friends try it on for a while Come on we’re not going to hurt it.
Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies One eats leaves and the other eats caterpillars. Oh I see now.
Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest so will I ’swarm about’ to protect my nest of chocolate eggs.
If you see an animal and you can’t tell if it’s a skunk or a cat here’s a good saying to help ‘Black-and-white stinks all right. Tabby-colored likes a fella.’
If a kid asks where rain comes from I think a cute thing to tell him is ‘God is crying.’ And if he asks why God is crying another cute thing to tell him is ‘Probably because of something you did.’
If any man says he hates war more than I do he better have a knife that’s all I have to say.
If you go through a lot of hammers each month I don’t think it necessarily means you’re a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history in every culture is the story of Popeye.
If someone told me it wasn’t ‘fashionable’ to talk about freedom I think I’d just have to look him square in the eye and say ‘Okay YOU TELL ME what’s fashionable’.’ But he won’t. And you know why Because you can’t ask someone what’s fashionable in a smart-alecky way like that. You have to be friendly and say ‘By the way what’s fashionable’
Here’s a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you’re all covered with leeches. Just say ‘Hey has anybody seen my raisins’ Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.
To me truth is not some vague foggy notion. Truth is real. And at the same time unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between plus some things I can’t remember all rolled into one big ‘thing.’ This is truth to me.
A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle make them be real quiet then open a door and there’s the monster sound asleep.
Isn’t it funny how we’ll look out the window at the moon and then we notice it’s not the moon but a streetlight Also what’s funny is how we do this every night.
Too bad you can’t just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly because I bet you’d be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.
It seemed to me that somehow the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house across the way pick up the telephone and dial. My phone would ring and it would be him but it was just this squawking and cheeping. ‘What What’ I would yell back but he never did speak English.
There should be a detective show called ‘Johnny Monkey’ because every week you could have a guy say ‘I ain’t gonna get caught by no MONKEY’ but then he would and I don’t think I’d ever get tired of that.
Consider the daffodil. And while you’re doing that I’ll be over here looking through your stuff.
If you’re a circus clown and you have a dog that you use in your act I don’t think it’s a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown because people see that and they think ‘Forgive me but that’s just too much.’
I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can’t seem to act like an eagle. After a while though to keep the movie from getting boring maybe put in some pornography. Later we see the happy parrot flying along acting like an eagle. He see two parrots below and starts to attack but it’s his parents. Then some more pornography.
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself a ’shell’ if you will. But my shell isn’t made out of a hard protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.
My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one ’swollen’ shoe for when you get bit by a rattlesnake.
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way you could ride him then after you camped at night you could eat him. How about it science.
I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then somehow I get myself elected president.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.
I remember when I was in the army we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He’d get right up next to your face and yell and if you didn’t have the right answers mister you’d be peeling potatoes or changing the latrine. Hey wait. I wasn’t in the army. Then who WAS that guy.
I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks yes you can talk but LISTEN TO YOURSELF.
If you’re ever selling your house and some people come by and a big rat comes out and he’s dragging the rattrap because it didn’t quite kill him just tell the people he’s your pet and that’s a trick you taught him.
I think there probably should be a rule that if you’re talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through it’s understood that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise it makes no sense.
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men ‘If I have come to destroy you may the sun be blotted out from the sky.’ Just then the eclipse would start and they’d probably try to kill you or something but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all and everyone would get a good laugh.
He was a cowboy mister and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her she disintegrated. Later at the funeral when the preacher said ‘Dust to dust’ some people laughed and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging he told the others ‘I’ll be waiting for you in heaven with a gun.’
I don’t think I’m ever more ‘aware’ than I am right after I hit my thumb with a hammer.
Worship the potato The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought what else is more deserving of worship It’s simple it comes from the earth and it can kill you if you disobey it.
If you ever teach a yodeling class probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see we BUILD to that.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door I’m gone but you know what I’ve left on the porch A jack-o’-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says ‘You.’ After that I usually feel a lot better and no harm done.
Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form ’spokes.’ Happiness is when he stops.
If you’re traveling in a time machine and you’re eating corn on the cob I don’t think it’s going to affect things one way or the other. But here’s the point I’m trying to make Corn on the cob is good isn’t it.
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car. I forget what kind it was—and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger older guy we called ‘Dad.’ We’d eat some stuff or not and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he’d spin it round and round like a wheel of fortune and no matter where it stopped he’d yell out ‘Tadpoles Tadpoles is a winner’ We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.
In weightlifting I don’t think sudden uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is while you’re in midair you still hit those brakes Hey better try the emergency brake.
Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way.
You know what’s probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests Just a big bag of blood.
If there’s ever an amusement park called Bag World I bet it would really start to annoy you after a while how they really sort of stretch the definition of ‘bag.’
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have.
Here’s a good joke to do during an earthquake Straddle a big crack in the ground and if it opens wider go ‘Whoa Whoa’ and flail your arms around like you’re going to fall in.
To me there’s no better symbol for the world than a grasshopper lying dead on a gravel road and maybe there’s a globe lying next to him.
When you go for a job interview I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
You can’t tell me that cowboys when they’re branding cattle don’t sort of ‘accidentally’ brand each other every once in a while. It’s their way of letting off stress.
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger but with a smaller head. That way they’d still be good as watchdogs but they wouldn’t eat so much.
If I lived back in the Wild West days instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster I’d carry a soldering iron. That way if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like ‘Hey look. He’s carrying a soldering iron’ and started laughing and everybody else started laughing I could just say ‘That’s right it’s a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.’ Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing not that different from a tall leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy which one would you think liked dolphins the most I’d say Flippy wouldn’t you You’d be wrong though. It’s Hambone.
To us it might look like just a rag. But to the brave embattled men of the fort it was more than that. It was a flag of surrender. And after that it was torn up and used for shoe-shine rags so the men would look nice for the surrender.
If you ever go temporarily insane don’t shoot somebody like a lot of people do. Instead try to get some weeding done because you’d really be surprised.
Marta said I don’t seem to like to read fiction very much. ‘I guess you’re not an afictionado” she said. Poor Marta. For all her reading she doesn’t even know the right word.
If I was a father in a waiting room and the nurse came out and said ‘Congratulations it’s a girl’ I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell ‘A girl You must have me mixed up with THAT dork’ and point to another father.
When you die if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all I think a good way to get out of it is just to say ‘No speaka English.’
If you were a gladiator in olden days I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall.
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size and we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground and live there. But don’t ever call us ‘ants’ because we hate that.
If you work on a lobster boat sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
Laurie got offended that I used the word ‘puke.’ But to me that’s what her dinner tasted like.
The first thing was I learned to forgive myself. Then I told myself ‘Go ahead and do whatever you want it’s okay by me.’
It’s too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
If I ever become a mummy I’m going to have it so when somebody opens my lid a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it because do you hide from it or not.
I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you as a sort of courtesy.
Even though I was their captive the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely make my own meals and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians at all but dirty clothes hampers.
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he’s completely draped in it. Then he’ll stand up and go ‘Hey I’m Vine Man.’
If I come back as a horsefly I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone’s lip. Even if they smash you ick you’re all over their lip.
If you had a school for professional fireworks people I don’t think you could cover fuses in just one class. It’s just too rich a subject.
Basically there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is we both like to spread our ’stink’ around. The second is we both get hit by cars a lot. The third is stripes.
Here’s a good tip for when you go to the beach A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left but trust me they don’t taste like it.
I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist ‘You know what will save the world You’re holding it in your hand.’ And the other scientist looks and in his hand are peanuts. Then when he looks up the first scientist is being taken away to the insane asylum.
As we were driving we saw a sign that said ‘Watch For Rocks.’ Marta said it should read ‘Watch For PRETTY Rocks.’ I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department but she started saying it was a joke just to get out of writing a simple letter And I thought I was lazy.
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically it’s made up of two separate words ‘mank’ and ‘ind’. What do these words mean It’s a mystery and that’s why so is mankind.
When people say that the desert is lifeless it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell ‘Why you stupid stupid bastard’ Then I drive them out into the desert to where the circus is and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life.
I wish there was a disease where you’re afraid of clouds because I think I could cure it. First you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk. After that I’m not sure but maybe you could throw some water in his face or something.
If you were a pirate you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it.
If there was a big gardening convention and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening I bet you would get booed right off the stage. They’re just not ready.
Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it’s two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on Marta. Grow up.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
When you go to a party at somebody’s house don’t automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask and ask often.
As the evening sun faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning and how gray he was and how I named him Flint.
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves that makes you want to get drunk And after you’re real drunk maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money and then lie down and go to sleep.
People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don’t understand is I mean a jellyfish with long blond hair.
Like jewels in a crown the precious stones glittered in the queen’s round metal hat.
Broken promises don’t upset me. I just think why did they believe me
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling Sometimes it seemed that way.
Whenever anyone says ‘I can’t’ it makes me wish he’d get stung to death by about ten thousand bees. When he says ‘I’ll try’ five thousand bees. ‘I can’ one bee.
Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.
I’d rather be rich than stupid.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons and a bunch of conquistadores came up to you and asked where the gold was I don’t think it would be a good idea to say ‘I swallowed it. So sue me.’
People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side which is the preening.
The crows seemed to be calling his name thought Caw.
I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets because I’d like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name on it.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I’d just quit my job and become a bum for a few years because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
How come just as the rocket is launching the astronauts don’t also shoot some fireworks out the window It would make the whole takeoff look more impressive.
I’m not afraid of insects taking over the world and you know why It would take about a billion ants just to AIM a gun at me let alone fire it. And you know what I’m doing while they’re aiming it at me I just sort of slip off to the side and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.
When you first start wearing a turban probably the most common mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have to allow the head to breathe.
We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap.
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks then the guy at the Marineland says ‘You can’t throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish.’ Sure they eat fish if that’s all you give them. Man wise up.
People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just a big field full of holes.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. ‘Oh no’ I said ‘Disneyland burned down.’ He cried and cried but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland but it was getting pretty late.
If you get invited to your first orgy don’t just show up nude. That’s a common mistake. You have to let nudity ‘happen.’
Sometimes I think I’d be better off dead. No wait. Not me you.
If life deals you lemons why not go kill someone with the lemons maybe by shoving them down his throat.
I wouldn’t be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn’t a person because it would be too small. But there’s a little doll or something like a Johnny Combat little toy guy something like that.
If doctors ever tell you that you’ve ‘flipped out’ don’t believe them and just keep on doing what you were doing because something tells me ‘the Man’ is behind this.
To me boxing is like a ballet except there’s no music no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
Isn’t it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair the first thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth.
During the Middle Ages probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were ‘just going down to the corner.’
If I was being executed by injection I’d clean up my cell real neat. Then when they came to get me I’d say ‘Injection I thought you said inspection’.’ They’d probably feel real bad and maybe I could get out of it.
Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life because we’re not ready. But maybe they’ll change their tune after a little torture.
As I bit into the nectarine it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable until I realized it wasn’t a nectarine at all but A HUMAN HEAD.
Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually ARE experts.
If you’re a young Mafia gangster out on your first date I bet it’s really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
A funny thing is if you’re out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake tell him you’re going for help then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who’s going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That’s why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
I wish my name was Todd because then I could say ‘Yes my name’s Todd. Todd Blankenship.’ Oh also I wish my last name was Blankenship.
If you’re a blacksmith probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are little blacksmith.
I’m just guessing but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is wearing out is something I call ‘image fuzz-out.’ But I’ve never even seen a radarscope so I wouldn’t totally go by what I’ve just said here.
If trees could scream would we be so cavalier about cutting them down We might if they screamed all the time for no good reason.
I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times. I think they got the point.
If you’re robbing a bank and your pants suddenly fall down I think it’s okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too because come on life is funny.
When I found the skull in the woods the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up and started wondering who this person was and why he had deer horns.
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike vicious people because I bet a lot of high schools would pick ‘Americans’ as their mascot.
Let’s be honest Isn’t a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar because then yahoo I’d have all my money back.
When you die if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven choose pie heaven. It might be a trick but if it’s not ummmm boy.
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. ‘Uh-oh’ he thought. ‘This watering hole is reserved for skeletons.’
If you’re a horse and someone gets on you and falls off and then gets right back on you I think you should buck him off right away.
If the Vikings were around today they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have and how we take so much of it for granted.
If you want to sue somebody just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them their ants ate your baby.
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look but you know what They never find him. And you know why they never find him It doesn’t say. The book leaves it up to you the reader to decide. Then at the very end there’s a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.
Contrary to popular belief the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant just trampling and eating everything they see.
I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town. But I said I thought he was nice that he just didn’t know how to show it. The meanest man in town I said was the mean old guy who lived in the big white house. ‘THAT’S MISTER SWENSON’ they said. Oh my mistake.
If you’re ever stuck in some thick undergrowth in your underwear don’t stop and start thinking of what other words have ‘under’ in them because that’s probably the first sign of jungle madness.
Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That’s called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he’d head off to go fishing. But we wouldn’t be laughing that evening when he’d come back with some whore he picked up in town.
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class how about individual push buttons on each desk That way when you want to ask a question you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class.
Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the question.
Of all the warning sounds that animals make I think the one that’s the least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise.
Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit but we won’t laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags.
Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal trying to swim to shore because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE’S GOING.
I wish I lived back in the Old West days because I’d save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I’d go out west and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing I’d say ‘Looking for gold ya durn fool.’ He’d say ‘Your pick is gold.’ And I’d say ‘well that was easy.’ Good joke huh.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally to their faces and this is what annoys me.
The big huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the meteor through some kind of space warp or something. ‘Go Bob go’ yelled one of the generals. ‘Give me that’ said the big-guy general as he took the microphone away. ‘Listen Bob’ he said. ‘You’ve got to steer that meteor away from Earth.’ ‘Yes but how’ thought Bob. Then he got an idea. Right next to him there was a steering wheel sticking out of the meteor.
You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But I’m telling you I will bark at any sound I hear and it will drive you crazy.
I bet when they weren’t fighting Vikings with horn helmets had to stick potatoes on the ends of the horns so as to avoid eye pokings to fellow Vikings and lady Vikings.
The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought ‘What am I doing’.
What am I afraid of I’ll tell you a feather. that’s right a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather you say. That’s an honest question and I’ll try to give it an honest answer. First of all did I say it was a poison feather.
I’m telling you just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF Is anyone listening to me.
I guess of all my uncles I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he’d eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.
Isn’t it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle and the next minute you’re just driving real fast swerving back and forth across the road.
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance let’s say you’re an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces wham you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he’s not Dracula but you just say ‘Think again bat man.’
Sometimes I wonder if I’m patriotic enough. Yes I want to kill people but on both sides.
If you were an ancient barbarian I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn’t get it unhooked and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit who was going to fight in another fight away from the first fight.
If you make ships in a bottle I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in and there at the wheel is Captain Termite.
I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof with his Superman cape on. ‘Get down’ yelled Uncle Lou. ‘Don’t move’ screamed Grandma. But Grandpa wouldn’t listen. He walked to the edge of the roof and stuck out his arms like he was going to fly. I forget what happened after that.
I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king because I like people to do what I say.
It’s funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.
I don’t think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet.
If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it we should say we were just kidding that this isn’t really our civilization but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our REAL civilization. After that we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that or just shoot down the aliens as they’re waving good-bye.
The tiger can’t change his spots. No wait he did Good for him
I’d like to see a nude opera because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
If the captain invited me to his party after he had whipped me earlier in the day up on deck I guess I’d go but I’d try to find some excuse to leave early.
I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building but what’s wrong with little bits of cheese They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.
If you ever catch on fire try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror because I bet that’s what REALLY throws you into a panic.
I think my favorite monster movie is ‘Gone With the Wind’ because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster.
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don’t care who hears me because I am beautiful.
If you go to a costume party at your boss’s house wouldn’t you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss’s wife Trust me it’s not.
It’s not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you.
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is don’t run with a wooden stake.
I remember how in college I got that part-time job as a circus clown and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed then and there that I would get revenge.
If you’re an ant and you’re walking along across the top of a cup of pudding you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin.
It takes a big man to cry but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava let ‘em go because man they’re gone.
I can’t stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like ‘Hey when are you going to pay me that hundred dollars you owe me’ or ‘Do you have that fifty dollars you borrowed’ Man quit being so cheap.
I wish a robot would get elected President. That way when he came to town we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
If you ever discover that what you’re seeing is a play within a play just slow down take a deep breath and hold on for the ride of your life.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home his face might burn up.
I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people for example could probably use a cheap ice pick.
If you’re in a war instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think of how crazy war is and while they’re thinking you can throw a real grenade.
A quiz If I am my brother’s keeper who am I Answer me.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand pretending that he’s throwing up is not what I call hospitality.
I think a good way to get in a movie is to show up where they’re making the movie then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny and the head movie guy would say ‘Hey let’s put him in the movie.’
If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob I think I’d try to stay near the back. That way if somebody shamed us into disbanding I could sort of slip off to the side and pretend I was window-shopping or something.
I bet what happened was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then that night they burned the wheel.
Just because swans mate for life I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. First of all if you’re a swan you’re probably not going to find a swan that looks that much better than the one you’ve got so why not mate for life.
Here’s a suggestion for a new animal if some new ones get created or evolve something that stings you then laughs at you.
I think a good movie would be about a guy who’s a brain scientist but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain.
If you’re pretty happy but you have a little Chihuahua that’s always biting you on the ankles still that’s pretty good isn’t it I’m going to go ahead and keep you in the ‘happy’ category.
If you’re at a Thanksgiving dinner but you don’t like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else just pretend like you’re eating it but instead put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then later when you’re out back having cigars with the boys let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say ‘Boy these are good cigars’.
Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn’t designed to catch mice at all but to protect little cheese ‘gems’ from burglars.
Whenever I open a door I pull on the doorknob real hard because isn’t there a saying that if it comes off in your hand you can rear back and throw it as hard as you can I thought I heard that somewhere.
If I could be a bird I think I’d be a penguin because then I could walk around on two feet with a lot of other guys like me.
Don’t ever get your speedometer confused with your clock like I did once because the faster you go the later you think you are.
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think ‘Aw who cares’ And then I think ‘Hey what’s for supper’
I don’t say that the bird is ‘good’ or the bat is ‘bad.’ But I will say this At least the bird is less nude.
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger screaming and tripping and begging for mercy then yes Mister Brave Man I guess I am a coward.
Many people do not realize that the snowshoe can be used for a great many things besides walking on snow. For instance it can be used to carry pancakes from the stove to the breakfast table. Also it can be used to carry uneaten pancakes from the table to the garbage. Finally it can be used as a kind of stainer where you force pancakes through the strings to see if a piece of gold got in a pancake somehow.
Instead of having ‘answers’ on a math test they should just call them ‘impressions’ and if you got a different ‘impression’ so what can’t we all be brothers.
It’s easy to sit and scoff at an old man’s folly. But also check out his Adam’s apple.
One thing a computer can do that most humans can’t is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.
When Rick told me he was having trouble with his wife I had to laugh. Not because of what he said but because of a joke I thought of. I told him the joke but he didn’t laugh very much. Some friend HE is.
It’s true that every time you hear a bell an angel gets his wings. But what they don’t tell you is every time you hear a mousetrap snap an angel gets set on fire.
If you want to be the popular one at a party here’s a good thing to do Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say ‘Well technically that’s illegal.’ It might fit in with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn’t so what I hate this stupid party.
You know how to paint a room real fast Just put paint rollers on your feet and somehow figure out how to skate up the walls and across the ceiling.
I guess one of the funniest memories of my grandfather was the time I was at his house and that tied-up man with the gag in his mouth came hopping out of the closet and started yelling that HE was really my grandfather and the other guy was an imposter and to run for help. Who was that guy Oh well never saw HIM again.
When I heard that trees grow a new ‘ring’ for each year they live I thought we humans are kind of like that we grow a new layer of skin each year and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all of our skin layers.
Once when I was in Hawaii on the island of Kauai I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said ‘Okay as long as it’s not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch you know.’ He stared telling his story about the treasure and his life and all and I thought ‘This story isn’t too long.’ But then he kept going and I started thinking ‘Uh-oh this story is getting long.’ But then the story was over and I said to myself ‘You know that story wasn’t too long after all.’ I forget what the story was about but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long though.
You know what makes good hair for a snow man REAL hair. Don’t ask me why but it works.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king they don’t just go by size because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
Most people don’t realize that large pieces of coral which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws can make a child look like a deer.
Carl would have to be fast to beat the stranger. Real fast. ‘Draw’ said the stranger. Carl went for his gun but then ‘Hey where did all these angels come from’.
When you’re going up the stairs and you take a step kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close.
If you’re trying to remember a happy memory don’t think back to a time when you were ALSO thinking of a happy memory because man how long does this go on.
If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator I bet the most common question people would ask is ‘Can’t you make it shoot farther’ No. I’m sorry. That’s as far as it shoots.
If you ever have to steal money from your kid and later on he discovers it’s gone I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus.
I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy and I’ll tell you why Both fly both wear red and both have a beard.
If I had the time to sit down and write a thank-you note to everyone who sent me a nice expensive present what a wonderful world that would be.
If you had to list the different types of haircuts in order of how warm they kept the head you’d probably put the flat-top down near the bottom. But you know I bet it’s surprisingly warm.
Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut people around the world all want the same thing a better house
Blow ye winds like the trumpet blows but without that noise.
When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life I can’t think of a single one unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.