About Author : Steven Alexander Wright is an Academy Award-winning American stand-up comedian, actor, and writer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, witty, deeply philosophical and sometimes confusing or nonsensical jokes and one-liners with overly-contrived situations.
Steven Wright Quotes and Sayings
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled how would we know.
I went to a store and asked if they had anything to put under coasters.
I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it.
A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said Wish you were here.
The Meaning Of Life The reason that we’re all here is that it was too crowded where we were supposed to go.
What’s another word for Thesaurus.
If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it.
Curiosity killed the cat but for a while I was a suspect.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I bought some batteries but they weren’t included.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
It’s a small world but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is it’s always room temperature.
If you shoot at mimes should you use a silencer.
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates. When I pointed it out to my roommate he said ‘Do I know you’.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me ‘Did you sleep good’ I said ‘No I made a few mistakes.’